Driving in Souf London, innit?

When I first moved over to the UK (back in 2001), I decided that it would be a good idea if I learned to drive on the 'other' (notice I did not say 'wrong') side of the road. Considering that I had been legally driving since the age of 14, and I'm a very confident and experienced driver, I thought it would be a piece of cake. I was a bit wrong. No, I was VERY wrong. Driving in the UK is one thing, but driving in South London (SE19) is another thing altogether! For those of you who have never been to London, consider that it has been inhabited (to a lesser or greater degree) since AD 43, so negotiating the winding streets around Brixton and Herne Hill in a Renault Megane is quite different than walking or taking a horse and cart along the same winding streets. In fact, negotiation and diplomacy play a huge part in driving in the UK. There are all sorts of rules and flashing of headlights and hand signals that mean absolutely nothing to an American driver used to wide roads and four-way stops. These British road rules often date back to etiquette that horse and cart drivers practiced. For instance, on London's crowded and narrow roads there is usually parking on both sides of the streets, which leaves traffic with barely enough room to pass the parked vehicles (on the left) and the oncoming traffic (on the right), and so there is often a great deal of pulling in to let oncoming traffic pass. The surefire method for negotiating this pulling in and letting the other car pass still escapes me and ofttimes it only seems to be a game of 'chicken'. For instance, it is an unwritten but often observed rule that when on a hill, the car driving up will have the right of way and the car driving down will 'tuck in' to a space between parked cars. My sources say that this rule of road etiquette dates back to when a horse and cart going uphill was more difficult to get started than a horse and cart going downhill was to stop. However, London is a very large city (well over 7 million)full of people from around the globe, and not everyone is privy to the history of driving etiquette in Great Britain. Needless to say, when I have visitors from the US to stay and a drive is required, the gasps and moans from passengers, as I careen from A to B, are distinctly audible. I'm sure it's mostly because sitting in the front passenger's seat without a steering wheel or brakes is a new and scary experience for an American, whose automatic instinct is to grab at the dashboard and stomp on the floorboards whenever approaching vehicles seem to be making a beeline for the car. Additionally, and other UK drivers will probably agree with me on this, the London driver really is in an elite class of scary drivers all on his or her own. I mean, I've also heard that Roman drivers, Parisian drivers, Mexico City drivers and most Vietnamese drivers rank up there with the London driver and that you MUST be alert and revving to go, otherwise you should just be on a bus...

I've got an idea to install a dashboard camera and record my journey to and from work, one day and post it on YouTube, but I think it loses some of its authenticity and scariness. Take it from me, it's a hairy ride and sometimes it's an even bigger trip than illicit substances (or so I imagine), but I suppose my lack of criticism for the London drivers means I probably have joined their ranks and have a bit of pride in being able to get myself from Crystal Palace to the Oval in one piece, every day, in a mad and frenzied manner.